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Suit Yourself™ International Magazine #60: Guide To Love 12 Lay Down Ground Rules

  

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Suit Yourself™ International Magazine #60

GUIDE TO LOVE Continues.....

Section 12:

  Lay Down Ground Rules

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The full TOC and Introduction can be found here: https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-49.html 

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For the Guide To Love Introduction & TOC:  https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-49.html
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Upon request, reprint permission and an addendum of substantiating resources are available for all articles. When requesting reprint permission or addenda, please include the issue date and full issue title. All articles are copyright © Debra Spencer, Suit Yourself ™ International. All rights reserved. ISSN 2474-820X.
 

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 I hope this series is enjoyable and useful to you!

Bisous!

Debra Spencer

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12  Lay Down Ground Rules 

 

Laying down ground rules is essential to all relationship.    

 

Requiring skill and finesse, it's not easy to do. 

 

The primary difficulty lies in not knowing in advance what boundaries need asserting 

 

because you can't discover these by being alone.

 

You discover ground rules only by being actively engaged in relationship. Ironic, yes, but practice makes perfect. 

 

Laying down ground rules requires knowing precisely where you can and can't compromise, and by how much. Establishing mutual ground rules is relatively straightforward with conscious awareness of individual needs. 

 

Without this, it's not.

 

 

However challenging this is with those you choose, 

 

it's even more so with those you don't chose. 

 

Life forces us to interrelate with many different people, in many different ways, and here, ground rules are often established by the culture through procedure, rather than by individual choice. 

 

Sometimes these work, sometimes they don't.

 

Regardless of who sets them, or how, or why, or what for, ground rules must be clear, explicit, and firm. 

 

It's a challenge to establish generic ground rules that create an acceptable equilibrium. 

 

This is chemistry. 

 

Once ground rules are found and established, they're not readily open to reinterpretation or renegotiation because they're creating stability.  

 

That's what you want them to do, and this makes them difficult to adjust.

 

 

There are two primary situations where responding with ground rules can fail:

deliberate cheating,

 

and inadvertent

 

violation.   

 

 

Yogi Berra, the American baseball player, constantly complained about the press misrepresenting his statements. He said "I really didn't say everything I said."  

 

Flexible ground rules deliberately keep you at a disadvantage; they're inherently untrustworthy because they aren't stable, clear, or explicit. 

 

Elastic rubber bands are the same way, until they snap. 

 

This type of individual and corporate cheater is ubiquitous. 

 

They don't negotiate, don't settle on agreements, state one price then charge another, are vague, forgetful, indirect, constantly changing rules, and adore imprecision. 

 

Steer clear; don't bother putting in time and energy. 

 

This type is volcanic, unreliable, unstable, undependable, 

 

and highly impulsive. 

 

You'll never know where you stand, or what you've stepped in. 

 

 

Some boundaries just aren't obvious until they're violated, 

 

for example, when sharing a room, 

 

or training a puppy.  

 

 

Inadvertent violations are no less serious for being innocent,

 

however they require a different strategy from the deliberate assaults. 

 

Introducing a new ground rule into an already fixed situation is like bringing a new puppy home to live in a house full of old cats. 

 

It requires all the ingenuity, patience, and humor you can muster. 

 

Plus bribery, 

 

patience, commitment, clarity, consistency, perseverance, 

 

and the willingness to risk disfavor. 

 

 

It's no small feat, pun intended, to incontrovertibly "put your foot down", immediately, if not sooner, and in no uncertain terms, so you can both survive life in close proximity. 

 

It helps to have an extra teddy bear 

 

to give to Grumpy.

 

 

Whenever needs are in conflict, you should reopen negotiations, 

 

and decide who gets half that pillow, and when. 

 

This always requires more time and energy than you have. But there you are, because whatever you allow is what will continue to happen. That's not a threat; it's a promise. 

 

 

Needs 

 

are not wants; 

 

don't confuse them. 

 

 

Anything unbearable is brewing towards an inevitable change,

 

 and for "change" here read "explosion". 

 


Yogi Berra also said "If you don't know where you're going, you'll wind up somewhere else." Ground rules, and goals, need to be set first, before they can be negotiated.  

 

If you want to avoid going "out of the frying pan, into the fire", be the navigator, not a passenger, and just choose a direction. 

 

This is easier said than done, and if you're not clear on what you want, at least be clear about what you don't want. 

 

 

No more Miss Polite Put Up. 

 

No more Mister Nice Guy. 

 

 

Learn to have productive discussions. 

 

Discussions should decide on a firm change that produces a measurable result.  

 

It helps to remember that compromise means you're lucky to get half of what you want, but that's better than nothing.

 

and it's some compensation knowing the other person doesn't get more than you do. 

 

 

You're likely to stick to the program when you remember that nothing is what happens if you don't.  

 

 

Interaction is relationship,

 

and relationship is interaction. 

 

 

Even a momentary sharing is a remarkably enlightening intimate situation.

 

Longer interactions offer practical lessons 

 

in negotiation. 

 

 

As Carl Jung said, "The difference between a good life and a bad life is how well you walk through the fire." 

 

Thanks for reading.
 
Best Wishes,
Debra Spencer


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Suit Yourself™ International's GUIDE TO LOVE

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction 

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-49.html

The Awakening

 https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-50.html

Understand Your Needs

 https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-50.html

Find A Common Interest  

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-51.html

Announce Your Intentions  

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-52.html

The Hunt Or The Chase

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-53.html

Make An Impression

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-54.html

Offer Your Services

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-55.html

Come When Called

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-56.html

Mind Your Manners

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-57.html

Make A Move

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-58.html

The Attachment

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-59.html

Lay Down Ground Rules

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-60.html

The Lost Cause Impossible Situation

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-61.html

You're Never Too Young Or Too Old

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-62.html

Never Forget; Get Your Picture Taken Together

https://suityourself.international/appanage/magazine-63.html

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Suit Yourself™ International Guide To Love All Content is © Debra Spencer, Suit Yourself™ International. Technical Library FAQ Index ISSN 2474-820X. All Rights Reserved. Please do not reproduce in part of in whole without express written consent. Thank you.

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All Content is © Debra Spencer, Suit Yourself™ International. Technical Library FAQ Index ISSN 2474-820X. All Rights Reserved. Please do not reproduce in part or in whole without express written consent. Thank you.
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All Content is ©2019 Debra Spencer, Appanage™at www.suityourself.international Suit Yourself ™ International, 120 Pendleton Point, Islesboro Island, Maine, 04848, USA 44n31 68w91 Technical Library FAQ Index ISSN 2474-820X. All Rights Reserved. Please do not reproduce in part or in whole without express written consent. Thank you.

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All Content is ©2019 Debra Spencer, Appanage™at www.suityourself.international Suit Yourself ™ International, 120 Pendleton Point, Islesboro Island, Maine, 04848, USA 44n31 68w91 Technical Library FAQ Index ISSN 2474-820X. All Rights Reserved. Please do not reproduce in part or in whole without express written consent. Thank you.
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